The Complexities of Grief and Loss

Grief and loss are a painfully normal part of life and an experience universal to each and everyone one of us. Grief may follow a physical and emotional loss such as the death of a loved one, divorce, relationship break-up, or loss of a job or a pet. These feelings may never entirely disappear, but we can learn to manage the pain. It is essential to understand grief and how to deal with the pain and sadness while remaining on a journey of growth and healing.

What is Grief?

Grief is the human response to a loss, a sense of emptiness; we no longer have that valued someone, the loss of our dream life and expectations, or the loss of something of significant value in our lives. Grief is often our emotional response to a loss, but this does not tell the whole story. We can experience the effect of grief physically, behaviourally, socially and spiritually. Grief can be expressed in numerous ways and affect our lives. Grief is without rules, has no set pattern and can be experienced with an extensive number of emotions. We all experience grief in our unique individual way; we may experience shock, numbness, anger, feeling overwhelmed, confusion, detachment, and irritability.

Types of Grief

The experiences of grief encompass a complex set of emotions that may interweave in many aspects of our lives. We may experience a physical loss such as moving house or retirement. Our behaviours may change, we may struggle to fall asleep or stay asleep, and we may have less energy for activities we previously enjoyed. We may lose interest in eating or eat more than we would normally. Social impacts of grief may include; withdrawal, isolation, anger and conflict with others due to individuals having different grieving processes. Grief may also affect our sense of spirituality. Whatever your spirituality, a loss may test your beliefs.

Grief is complicated and fluctuating; according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, we go through stages when grieving. The length of time in each stage can vary from person to person.

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Stages of Grief

Shock- no matter how prepared we are when death or loss happens, we often experience a sense of numbness as our feelings are too intense to deal with.

Denial – refers to the sense of unreality that often arises when we have experienced shock or pain, the sense of ‘No, it can’t be’.

Anger – relates to situations where intense feelings generated by the loss are focused and directed at yourself and others, such as anger, resentment, bitterness, and rage. You may ask, ‘why me?’.

Bargaining – encompasses thinking of the ‘what if’ questions. Due to the intensity of grief, we may wish things were different or that the event did not happen. We enter a bargaining process with ourselves or others, expressing a wanting for the past.

Depression –  is known as the ‘quiet stage’ of grief as the emotions experienced are usually sad, lonely, anxious and isolating. As overwhelming as the situation feels at this stage, the loss is becoming more accepted.

Acceptance and hope-  recognises that we cannot change the circumstances but can control how we respond. We have come to terms with our loss, and the acceptance stage enables us to access our skills to cope with everyday life. There is no quick fix; healing takes time, and being gentle and patient with yourself is crucial. Throughout the healing journey, you may transition from acceptance and hope and return to a previous grief stage, which is perfectly natural.

 

Helpful Coping Strategies

Following a traumatic event and while you are going through the grieving process, it is important to recognise ways to deal with grief and loss.

  1. Ask for help

Grief and loss can become overwhelming as your emotions increase. Freeing up and understanding your feelings by talking with a counsellor or a support person may help relieve some of the difficulties through the grieving process.

  1. Talk to family and friends

Talking to friends and family is a great way to connect with others and help you realise you are not alone. Sharing memories, accepting offers of help and spending time with others may assist you in taking your mind off the grief you feel. 

  1. Take care of your physical health

Grief can be all-consuming and exhausting; completing routine tasks may feel like too much effort. Exercise, eating healthy, and getting a good night’s sleep will help you re-establish routines and improve your mindset.

  1. Do the things you enjoy

While this may be difficult at first because you don’t feel like it, doing an activity you enjoy can help you feel better and provides a distraction. Take small steps to remind yourself of the importance of joy and happiness.

  1. Remember, it’s an individual journey

How we grieve is an individual and personal journey. It takes time; you do not need to feel that you have to grieve in a certain way; grief takes time to work through. Grieve in your way; acknowledge and honour your loss. There will be times when life or social situations trigger memories or sadness, and having your prepared coping strategies in your toolbelt will help you through the tricky times.

If you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, and need to speak to someone now, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.